November 26th, 2004


another anomalous post: more on stuff that matters greatly to me.

after receiving suggestions about the last post from saram & meghan, i determined my best bet would be to search for the most "appropriate" hats & present those to my boss as a compromise. i found six i liked, & printed three (link, link, link) that i thought would go over best.

at five, i asked if she had a minute. she did, so i handed her the printouts. i asked what she thought of them. the ideal response would have been "i like them, they're very cute, why", & the worst would've been "no, why", but her answer was unreadable as i got the "why" alone. i started explaining how i utterly hate my hair, that i buy all the right conditioners & serums & crap & it still frizzes up & looks dry even though it feels smooth. it's always been this way, & though other people think i have pretty nice hair, the only time i was ever happy with it & not just tolerant of it was when it was in dreads. i said i was trying to find a compromise.

there was more than a note of desperation in my voice at this point, & i actually teared up, which surprised me as even *i* didn't know it meant *that* much to me. i think she felt a little badly for me, being completely unable to understand why hair could matter so much, & yet being equally unable to deny that it does. she looked at the printouts again, then pointed at one & said it wasn't bad. our conversation was rushed because she had someone waiting on her, but i thanked her, & said i'd order a couple & let her see me in them before i did anything. she grinned & said, "before you do anything permanent? that you can't come back from?" i smiled in return & nodded my assent.

she knows my job is of utmost importance to me. she knows i'll do anything for her except change her grandsons' diapers - i've stayed until midnight twice this year to finish some time-sensitive stuff; i've driven two thousand miles in three days to deliver something incredibly fragile to a client in a state that our regular delivery guys don't go to (or wouldn't for less than double their usual rate, that is); i've volunteered to run miserable all-day errands so she wouldn't have to; i've done several hours of off-the-clock, non-work-related research for her simply because she asked for my help. & this woman treats me well, makes me feel appreciated & needed, compliments me when i deserve it, & invites me to her thanksgiving & christmas family dinners. i was at her place yesterday, & i'm eating the leftovers she sent me home with as i compose this.

i've been with her almost three years now. & as much as she knows my job means, i think she's started to realize just what my self-expression means, too. i'm not stupid, i know it's just hair: hair without knots or hair with knots. but for some reason, it's more.

so, phase one isn't a no, & that's enough. if she approves of how it looks on me, then we're golden. seriously hoping over here.

i ordered this one in plum (that's the one she said wasn't bad) & this in black. i liked the cream color too, but i'm so pale i thought it might not look as good as the black, & the idea here is really to make them LOOK GOOD ON LISH. all comments, suggestions, & tips about any aspect of this post are appreciated.